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Her Journey: Understanding Her Asexual Nature

Sarah, 37: “I’ve not once been fond of sex. As a child, I felt broken because society idealized it.”

The only topic that Cameron and I have disagreed on is our sex life. After meeting almost a decade back, sex was clearly something he desired more frequently than me. Around half a year of being together, we opted to pursue a non-monogamous setup so that Cameron could seek out individuals who have higher libidos than I do.

At first, there were moments of insecurity at first, but our relationship was deepened thanks to open dialogue, and I eventually felt really secure in our love. This has been a great benefit for both of us, since I have never craved sex. Growing up, I thought incomplete as society at large idealized it, but I never really grasped what was so great about it.

After discovering literature on asexuality through a post recently, it was an eye-opener. I was taken aback, since back then I considered myself a a person who enjoys sex – I like to masturbate, and I experienced a lot of sex in my 20s. But I believe I engaged in much of that intimacy because I felt guilty – a remnant of my youth in a culture that implies it’s necessary to satisfy your partner.

The resource taught me was that asexuality is a broad spectrum. For example, I don’t have sexual desire, regarding individuals who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I admire their appearance, but I don’t want to engage sexually with them. But I enjoy experiencing release. For me, it’s pleasurable and it’s a nice release – a method to empty everything on my mind upstairs.

It was incredibly liberating to tell my partner that asexuality describes me. He supports this. We sometimes engage in intimacy, since I experience profound closeness and closeness to him during those moments, and I am choosing intentionally when I want to be close to him through that act. It isn’t that I have a sexual desire, but there exist other reasons to have sex, for example seeking connection. I notice how much he enjoys it, and that brings me joy. Likewise that a person who is allosexual can choose to abstain, I am able to choose to be physical for different purposes than being turned on.

His Experience: Love Beyond Physical Intimacy

A 36-year-old man: The fact that sex isn’t a priority is not a sign that love is absent.”

Physical intimacy was once extremely significant to me. It’s where I derived a lot of my self-worth. I had been ill and hospitalized frequently in my youth, so sex evolved into a practice that I thought offered mastery over my body. This began to really change when I met Sarah, since physical intimacy wasn’t the central focus in our relationship.

In this relationship, I started to recognize more value in alternative areas of myself, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to have sex with other people anymore. If I ever feel a desire for physical connection, I have different approaches to address it. Self-pleasure is a possibility, but alternatively going for a stroll, considering what’s on my mind or creative expression.

Upon her discovery of her asexuality, I started to understand that attraction is more about shared feelings. This can occur during sex, but as well as through other methods that are just as valuable and fulfilling. I once had a particular notion of the meaning of asexuality – without sexual activity, you never have sexual feelings. But it varies widely, and it takes time to understand your place along it.

Our relationship has lasted for several years, and the fact that sex isn’t the main focus does not imply that love isn’t. Planning intentional periods for that is crucial for both of us. At times we’ll get creative projects and assemble them step by step every morning, which seems very connecting. Alternatively we plan an evening out and go out for a mocktail and a meal. We cuddle and make plans ahead, which is an act of love. I get a lot of pleasure from sharing food, and it makes me deeply fulfilled in a similar way to post-intimacy feeling.

Sarah’s asexuality has enlarged the understanding of our bond. It is similar to limiting the resources at your disposal to work with – you have to think innovatively with your current situation. It encourages you to consider creatively. But it didn’t diminish the affection that I had for my partner whatsoever.